DISCLAIMER: This is
by no means a complaint of my own situation.
It is not to create a contest between who has it worse; it is not a
statement on parenting and not parenting; this has nothing to do with single
fathers or married mothers; it is not about single women and single fathers; It
is merely a breakdown of perspectives of two specific groups that sometimes
find reasons for interaction. It is also
broad and generic, as we all know every person’s personal situation is different. An understanding of the differing
perspectives goes a long way in keeping peace between the two. “Every
person takes the limits of their own field of vision for the limits of the
world. ~Schopenhauer" (Thank you, J.B. for just now posting this!)
THE SINGLE MAN gets up out of bed at whatever time allows
him to have his morning coffee routine and get ready for work.
THE SINGLE MOTHER gets up out of bed very early, to have time
to get herself ready for her day, and to also get her kids ready for her
day. She allows extra time for last
minute surprises (‘I didn’t do my homework; We have a field trip and I need a
specific bagged lunch; I can’t find my other shoe; I don’t feel good; I don’t
want to go to school; I hurt myself; BARF!!…).
If she wants coffee, she needs to get up earlier.
THE SINGLE MAN is allowed undivided focus and attention on
his job, whether he likes his job or not.
THE SINGLE MOTHER is never allowed undivided focus and
attention, because she sent her kid to school with the sniffles and there is a
concern at the back of her mind that the school nurse is going to call saying
the child is sick and needs to go home; she is also mentally planning her exit
strategy from work and lining up all possible other options for rides and
babysitting—and possible trips to the doctors.
If her child was fine when he or she left for school, there is still the
possibility of the phone call from the nurse when the child gets hurt during
recess or a call from the principal if the child does something wrong. Either way, the child will have to be picked
up and dealt with.
THE SINGLE MAN can take a phone call from a friend who
happens to be in the neighborhood and decide at that moment to go out right
then and meet him when asked. And he can
come home whenever he feels like it, in whatever condition he feels like it.
THE SINGLE MOTHER can take a phone call from a friend who
happens to be in the neighborhood, and when asked to go out, asks first if she
can call her friend back in five minutes, spends a few of those minutes
mentally reviewing the kids’ schedules to see if this would interfere, then the
next 10 minutes trying to arrange a sitter (hopefully her options are home,
otherwise this will take more than ten minutes since she will be forced to
leave a message and wait for a call-back).
Twenty to thirty minutes later she will have an answer for her friend:
either no, it’s not possible because the kids have karate class or music
lessons or yes, but it won’t be for about an hour because “I have to drive them
to my mother’s and I still haven’t changed out of my work clothes yet.” And she WILL be home at a respectable hour,
because her sitter needs to have her own life, and she will NOT be drunk with
her clothing in obvious disarray. Kids
ask questions. ALL THE TIME.
THE SINGLE MAN only has to consider himself when he is
saying or doing anything. He can go out, stay in, take a day off from work,
take an extra shift of work without any effort or extra phone calls or extra
planning.
THE SINGLE MOTHER is not first on her list of who’s to be
considered before saying or doing anything (this even includes going to the
bathroom, taking a shower, tending to herself when she is sick, etc.). She cannot go out, stay in, take a day off
from work, take an extra shift of work without having to plan, arrange and
rearrange.
I won’t even go into the…”social life” aspect here. Let’s just say again, that the only person
the Single Man has to worry about is himself.
The Single Mother has to do some serious planning.
THE SINGLE MAN’S ‘free time’ is free. He can also have undivided attention there,
too. It also usually covers a larger span of time.
THE SINGLE MOTHER’S ‘free time’ (STOP LAUGHING) is budgeted,
planned in advance, usually kept on some type of leash and always with an eye
on the clock. Since it is a tighter span
of time, and a little more encapsulated, emotions surrounding this ‘free’
(again, STOP LAUGHING) could be a
little more intense.
THE SINGLE MAN can have a bad day at work, and come home and
be pissy. He can bitch to all around
him. He can take time to himself to calm
down and get over it. He can grab a beer
as soon as he walks in the door, strip down to his underwear and throw himself
in the chair in front of the TV and ignore everything. He can give himself, or get, whatever
attention he needs, wants or doesn’t want.
THE SINGLE MOTHER can have a bad day at work, too, but can’t
be pissy about it til after the kids have been fed, homeworked, bathed,
listened to (my gosh they talk ALL the time!) and sent to bed. Only then can she call a friend or take time
to herself. And she can only do this if
she wants to give up sleep for it.
THE SINGLE MOTHER does not ask for credit for doing her job,
she is not asking anyone to do it for her.
Sometimes, though, she does ask for acknowledgment, that someone might
be thinking of her. And, yes, to someone
without the same set of responsibilities, this could seem somewhat needy. And then, being considered needy by someone
with… a different set of responsibilities can seem like an unfair judgment. Her thoughts and actions first and foremost
are always directed outward, towards someone else’s needs. Again, no blame or complaint here, just a
request to consider the ‘other side’. As she will have to realize that because of his own situation, he may not view things the same.
“I wouldn’t want to take up any time
Just let me know that I’ve crossed your mind
****
If my expectations are a burden then I will take the blame
It doesn’t bother me to be alone
I’ve gotten used to being on my own
A little sustenance is all I need
A small reminder that you think of me”
(Taken from the song “Ping Me”. Thank you Mr. Rundgren. I only really just met you, but your words
say it all perfectly!)
NOTE:
I am a single mother.
It took me five hours total to write this from start to finish (after
having planned it all out in my head earlier in the day). My daughter had a half-day, so I arranged for
a friend to come over. Sometimes two is easier than one—they keep each other
occupied and I needed time to write. This
is my short list of interruptions: forty minutes’ work at my ‘paying’ job, two snacks and a lunch, a trip to the park (I
took my notebook, but I had to stop to “Watch Me!” and prove that I could do it,
too; kiss a boo-boo after a fall; push on a swing, etc.), reach the Play-doh set,
put the Play-doh set back when they were done with it, help them reach high in
the closet where the one dress-up item they HAD to have was, interfere many
times when they were giving the cat more attention than he wanted (and put
band-aids on the resulting scratches), listen to them sing songs from the
upcoming school play, hear about their days at school--even though I asked not to be disturbed.
That was my set-aside writing
time. During that time I also managed to
snap a few pics and post them to Facebook, have a short text-versation with my
sister-in-law arranging for a family visit, and shoot off a quick “hello”
message to my friend who was having surgery today. (I LOVE SMARTPHONES!) But then, I did consider it important enough to do so. So, yes, I admit it. A short “I thought about
you today” message from someone whose company I enjoy that I am not responsible
for is a welcome distraction. It does make me feel good.
EXTRA NOTE:
It was five hours of ‘writing’ to get this down, at the time I wrote those last two
paragraphs. Then I went back over my
pages to check for corrections and get someone a glass of root beer, the other
half of the sub she didn’t finish and watch a puppet show—even though I stressed
again not to be disturbed. So this
actually took about six hours of “just” writing.
No comments:
Post a Comment