Friday, September 29, 2017

COUNTDOWN TO 50 - The Last Friday Night of a Decade



Here it is, my last Friday night in my 40s. My sparkly 50th Birthday tiara is sitting on my desk, all ready for Monday (it’s been there for almost the month), next to the glass of wine I’m celebrating this final Friday with.

The combination of anything sparkly (OOH, SPAAAHKLEY!) and the wine had already distracted me for a good ten minutes – once I noticed the reflection of the tiara in the wine. And then I had to take a picture (the staging of which took another ten minutes or so). I may or may not have tried taking a picture of the tiara ON the glass, resulting in flecks of glitter floating on top of the wine.

(I guess I’m going to sparkle on the inside as well!)

50! I can’t get over that. Since it’s so late in the year, most of my friends have already turned this particular corner. They now look down on me with the disdain of those a decade older (those who have ‘been there’ and ‘done that’), the look partially mitigated by a condescending smile – the same look I give to ‘kids’ in their 30s.

But I’m okay with that; that will be me next week.

One of my cats just jumped up onto my desk. He doesn’t give a shit about The Big Event coming next week – and I think he likes the sounds my computer makes when he sits his ass on my keyboard. I think he’s older than me, too, judging by the look he gave me after he sniffed the tiara (he already knows better than to go near the wine).



I had so much to say this week, so many things I planned to write about, but right now I’m just enjoying the wine and the night. And the wine. And 49.

And the wine.

As always on the last few days of September, everyone around me becomes just as excited for my birthday as I am – probably just because they can’t wait for me to shut up about it. But, hey, they’re still excited with me.

I love debating the common “Just Another Day” birthday theory. Uh, I don’t think so. The day itself is a gift; I have many friends who didn’t and won’t receive as many as I’ve had right now. You can be as blasé about birthdays as you want but you have to realize that it doesn’t have to be about anything special, just being ‘another’ day is a blessing.


Come Monday, I will have received 18,250 such blessings. I'm a lucky girl. 

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

COUNTDOWN TO 50 – No More 40-anything

When I turned 49 I realized that I’d have to change the name of my blog. A number of people told me I should still keep the name, but it would honestly bug me to be writing under 40-something when I was 50-something. That actually sent me into a bit of a panic; I loved 40-something Breck Girl, and I would miss her. Now, I know I’m still the same person, but I’m also aware of the changes I’ve gone through all my life up until this point. 

The Un-40-something Breck Girl; the same thing only different.

It was only last week that I finally decided to keep the blog name and just remove the ’40-something’ part (I couldn’t just change it to 50-something; that didn’t have the same flow – and where’s the imagination in that?) but I realized I have blogs with Wordpress and Medium, and Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr accounts (and probably a few more) that are all under the 40-something Breck Girl name.
There’s also the problem (for me) that if I just change the account names the old stuff will be mixed with the new – and I can’t have that!

Two days ago, I finally decided to go with ‘Former 40-something Breck Girl’. I know; it’s not much of a change, but I’m happy with it. I’ll have to create new accounts with the new name now, too. It was my father pointing out something that cinched the name for me when he said that I could keep that ‘former’ name forever because I would always be that. It became clear to me that I should have been aware that any blog name would be temporary; not just because I had an age in the title, but because they were just titles. The books I write and am writing are published under my real name, and once I got more into that I was going to be writing everything under my real name, anyway. That actually took a lot of the pressure off of me!

Whew!

So, very soon I will have my own set of web pages under my own domain name (sueroulusonis.com) and I will link all of my accounts and publications to it.

I can’t even begin to say how happy I am about my upcoming birthday. I love that I’m turning 50! I can feel the changes coming (not just menopausal) and I’m really looking forward to these next ten years.

That’s not to dismiss everything that has happened and has been happening; I just feel like I’m finally coming into my own, and it’s pretty exciting!

In case I forget to mention this (like I almost forgot to write out today’s thoughts), I want to thank all of you who’ve followed along here. I love the comments and feedback, too.

Love,

The Future Former 40-something Breck Girl,

Sue Roulusonis

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

COUNTDOWN TO 50 - Turning 40

Turning 40 felt different than turning 30, and not just because I was older. Technically speaking, I never feel old; I’m older each day of my life, so whatever I feel different is new.

I love this looking back. I’ve almost summed up my thirties for myself, and now I’m thinking about my forties. At 40, I would have said that my thirties were the best ages, but I find myself on the edge of 50 saying the same thing about my forties. I find that unusual because during this past decade I’ve had more negative upheavals - or, rather, changes that were not of my preference – than I had in my thirties, and some of them still hurt even now. Realizing that I enjoyed my forties more despite the bigger traumas says a number of things to me about who I am – things that I am happy to learn about myself in my general outlook and … overall acceptance? (I’ll put all that into words later).

I wrote this next piece minutes into October 2, 2007. I remember thinking how clever I was when I was done!

***

“She took a shower that night, knowing it would be the last time like this. It was strange to think that in a few short hours things would be different. After her shower she decided to blow dry her hair. This was a luxury; with early work hours and children that have to be readied in the morning she would usually let her hair air-dry overnight to save time. But tonight was different; this was to be the last time like this. She stared hard at herself in the mirror, looking to memorize every feature as it was. When she was done with her hair she allowed herself a few moments to admire the end result before brushing her teeth, taking extra time and brushing more carefully, after all (as the thought kept going through her head) this would be the last time like this.

She checked on the kids, who were still sleeping soundly, unaware of the Big Change heading their mother's way. Made sure their clothes were ready for the next day. It seemed strange to her, going through the same motions that she had every night for the past decade as if nothing was different, or nothing was going to be different. But it will be different, she thought.

She looked at the clock. 11:39. Twenty-one minutes left. What else could she do for the last time? She went to the computer and played a couple of games of solitaire. 11:47. She turned off the coffee maker, locked all the doors, turned off all the lights. 11:51. It looked like it was going to happen no matter what. Accepting that there was nothing she could do to stop it, she sat down in front of the clock and waited for it. 11:55...11:56...11:57...11:58...11:59...here it comes, she thought, taking a deep breath.

And then it happened; 12:00 midnight, and...

Nothing.

She waited an extra minute. 12:01. Still nothing. Another minute. 12:02. Again, nothing. She walked back into the bathroom, studying her face in the mirror, looking to see that she still recognized herself. She smiled, feeling a little foolish, but feeling better now that the worst was over.
She went to bed, comforted by the sameness of everything around her, the usual noises inside and outside, the familiar feel of her sheets. As she drifted off to sleep her last thought kept repeating itself through her head.


Funny. I don't feel 40...”

Monday, September 25, 2017

COUNTDOWN TO 50 - The Start of the Countdown and Remembering 30

One week from today I will be turning 50 and will no longer be a 40-something anything. Many things have changed for me this year, not the least of which being the length of my hair - but I will always be a Breck Girl (have no fear, there will be more on that subject this week).
I will start the final countdown with what I wrote for my 30th birthday. I wrote it the night Princess Diana died, caught in a particularly reflective mood thinking about her age and her young children. My oldest daughter was only 3 at the time, and any new mother can tell you all the awful things you find yourself thinking about with the first child. My relationship with her father ended within a year, so that time in general was particularly stressful. I was beginning to learn what I wanted, by learning first what I didn’t want.


So here it is, what I was only just beginning to see and still not able to put into full practice (Baby steps; I’ve come a long way since then, and better at living the ideals I started writing about):


"We Are...Women"

We are children. We are mothers. We are the same, just like you;
But we are unique in so many different ways.
We are not as young as some outside influences say we should want to be ideally, yet we are not so old as to be cast aside and forgotten --as no one at any age should be.
We are old enough to know that which we did not know before, and young enough to realize all that we still have to learn.
We are old enough to know our own shortcomings, and mature enough to take responsibility for them--as well as actions against them,
We are young enough to still make foolish mistakes, and mature enough to be able to laugh at them and our own selves.
We have learned where true beauty lies--And where lasting beauty lives.
We have learned, and are still learning, a truer appreciation and respect for ourselves and our needs, as well as for those around us.
We have reached a point in our lives where we can see the differences between our girlish dreams and aspirations and our adult choices and goals. Although we may mourn the loss of that childish innocence in our hopes for our own futures, we are learning to reconcile the reality of our actual daily lives with what we once wished our lives to be, and at the same time, we are re-learning and re-cultivating a new, child-like enthusiasm in the happy knowledge that our lives are becoming much richer and truer than what they were before, and, as we grow, that pattern will continue.
We know now that we can leave our marks on our corners of the world, and we know how to go about it.
We know now that the older we are, the better we are through our own life experiences,
however painful some may have been.   We are even grateful for those painful events, for through them we've learned our own private strengths, which have given us an added confidence and sense of security in the fact that we are now better armed against future life trials.
With the truths we've learned from our lives up to this point, we are able to stand proudly and face the world, secure in our new strengths, our newer self-confidences, and know that our lives are just beginning---
And we are ready.
We are women.  We are over thirty --
And you can't touch us.