Sunday, April 27, 2014

40-something Breck Girl is One Year Old!

It’s been a year….

I’ve been a blogger for one year now. Yay, me! (Third time’s the charm, I guess!) I have not been blogging as much as I would have liked, but I have more than 52—that’s at least one for each week of the year!

And what a year it has been! Actually, these past two years have been somewhat defining for me. I have experienced more…EVERYTHING in the past two years than all of my other years combined. Time—and Timing—is a funny thing. The idea of Time has been playing around in my head a lot, for many reasons. I lost time—Earth Time—with 3 very special people when they moved on (and I miss you all dearly <3). I’ve ‘revisited’ Time with three people from my childhood, with three different …storylines? ...themes? ...results? ...whatever.

Note to self: Hmm… all these 3s…looks like I have one more year of “extra special” significance coming up…

Revisiting Time with people is odd. Have you ever caught up with a person you hadn’t seen in a very long time and realize how many near-misses you had where your paths almost crossed? Or wonder what would’ve happened if you never lost touch? How your life might have been different? Timing. I guess there’s a reason for it. And I guess that if it works out, there’s no need to know why, right?

The tide has been turning especially fast for me in the past six months, and I can feel more is coming. There has been something wonderful come out of everything that has not been so wonderful. I have to admit to sometimes struggling with that; I don’t like feeling like I have ‘gained’ something out of what may have not been good for someone else. Even this blog started at a dark time. But then I have to look at a bigger picture, and realize that there is an intricate web of this organized chaos around me and I play a part in it as much as everyone else does… and sometimes you’re the lead—and sometimes you are the first girl that runs away and twists her ankle and falls and …well, you know what always happens to her.

What I do know is that I’m finally really settling in to being ‘me’, and for nobody else but me. And whether or not other people think that I’m being selfish…well, first of all I have a problem with the whole connotation behind that word. I think people mistake it for ‘greedy’ or some other word of that ilk. (Yes, I plan on writing about that later!) Whatever anyone else thinks…is really none of my business. And I’ve found that by being truer to me, I am truer to everyone else, and my being happier with myself reflects on all that’s around me. Selfish is a good thing, when directed properly! So there. J

Anyhow, I now have things on my mental ‘to do’ list that I can actually start to check off: I am a Blogger (for real), I am a paid writer (first step to the dream). My dreams and “what I wanted to do when I grew up (‘growing up’ is relative)” are now a focus for me, and I’m seeing signs that I’m beginning to do one or two things right. I still have a long way to go, and I know it, but I feel very good about it all. Not everything is perfect—like I said, I still have a long way to go. (But then again, in this organized chaos, how do I know it’s not perfect?) But even with knowing that there will still be some struggle, or that things may not be my definition of ideal, I still have more than I thought was possible—scratch that, I have more than I knew was possible. There’s a difference. I believe everything is possible; but I know that I don’t know what everything is.

All that being said, I guess all I have left to say is…


Thank you to every single person in my life.
Thank you to the Powers That Be that allowed me to be aware of how lucky I am.
Thank you to the wonderful people I have around me.
Thank you to the guy that cut me off in traffic.
Thank you to my rose-colored glasses. I was recently reminded that it is a much prettier color, anyway.
Thank you to those of you who read my blogs, then scratch their heads and wonder why afterwards.
Thank you to my daughter’s cat, who feels the need to piss on everything.
Thank you to my Facebook acquaintances who acknowledge my presence with a ‘like’ and those that humor me not realizing they are only encouraging me.
Thank you to the word “Fuck”, because I still love it.
Thank you to those that love me, or even like me a little, or not at all.
Thank you, Coffee.
Thank you to the Universe for everything, whether I understand it or not. (And I mean it. Everything.)

Thank you.