Sunday, February 5, 2017

Prove Your Love

(Anyone else hearing Taylor Dayne sing that right now?)

We have this notion embedded in our stories and minds that love is a thing to be proven, like some kind of scientific theory. While the chemistry of love – or, rather, basic sexual attraction – is something that can be measured physiologically, the emotional, feeling side cannot. In actuality, it doesn’t need to be, because it is always, always, visible.

Ovid said, “Love, and a cough, are not concealed.”

It is human nature to lean towards things we enjoy, are interested in … love. We live between two general ideas of love and fear – not hate, hate is a by-product of fear (we don’t fear what we hate; we hate what we fear). Our motivation is the drive for love – the happiness we want to achieve from being able to do what we love and/or being with whom we love. Whether our actual intention is to move towards love or it is to move away from fear, the direction is the same.

When we love something, or even just enjoy it, it shows. It shows in our faces, our attitudes, the amount of attention we give it, and for how long it can hold our attention. Why do we have hobbies? What accounts for our ‘special interests’? We join online communities/support groups to connect with others who have the same interests; we tattoo the brand of our favorite motorcycle on our skin; we devote time and money – our two ‘precious’ commodities – towards what we enjoy … what we love.

We do the same with people. We desire to spend the most time with or around those we enjoy/like/love the most. Our actions reflect our preferences. We invest time and thought in them. It shows. Our actions follow our focus of attention. Always.

Remember, actions speak louder than words.

Now, here, it is necessary to point out the difference between two very separate ideas that are almost always linked – incorrectly – together:

“Actions speak louder than words” and “If you love me you will ___ “

The first is the result of love; the second is the conditional manipulation of another’s love. Two very different pieces of fruit.

We know what love feels like. We know what we love, and we know what it feels to be loved. Even the person who considers him or herself the most unloved has at least one solid idea – even if that person feels that the only being that has shown him or her love was ‘only’ a pet. It is still love, and love is love is love.

You know when someone loves you because you can feel it. If you can’t, here are a few possible reasons why:

1.      The obvious: that person doesn’t love you.

2.      Unreasonable expectation: Love isn’t conditional; our desire for ‘proof’ often stems from our expectations of another - and any sort of expectation is unreasonable because we will never fully know the degree of another’s motivation towards love/away from fear. We ignore that we have expectations of another when they ‘follow through’ – but even that is the result of their core motivation.

Another aspect of unreasonable expectation comes from our lack of knowledge of the other person. We often expect another to show their love the same way that we would and miss when they are showing love the way they know how to show it. You could be sitting on his couch expecting him to sit and spend time with you, but instead, he is outside washing your car, putting special effort into scrubbing the tire rims – you expect him to spend time with you, and he is spending his time for you. Is his love less because it is expressed differently than yours? When you love someone, you know them.*

3.      Lack of trust: Here is a bit of a sticky wicket. There could be a lack of trust in another because they have hurt you in some way. The reason for their hurting you could be the simple fact that they don’t love you, or because they were following their own lines of impulses/compulsions/motivations – which, in some cases, is not a reflection of the measure of their love but a reaction to that inner motivation. There may be degrees of love – of preference  - but in certain situations that preference is more an aversion to what is feared as opposed to choosing what is loved (the lesser of two evils; making a value judgment choice between what will hurt and what will hurt less).

There is also the possibility that your lack of trust in another person has nothing to do with that other person and has everything to do with your own feelings of unworthiness. You might feel that you don’t believe in love, but if you look closer you will realize that you don’t believe someone could love you. Remember, when you say you don’t trust one thing, you are showing absolute trust in its opposite. If your reasons for a lack of trust stem from a feeling of lack in yourself, you will end up putting unreasonable expectations on the other person, forcing them to perform Herculean tasks in a vain attempt to prove something to you that you will never see unless you first believe it is there. Then, too, if they don’t express love the way you expect them to – because they don’t show it the way you do – you still won’t see it.
Forcing someone to prove love to you will never fill any lack you feel in yourself, either. Two individuals come together as one unit, but separate parts of the foundation. If either – or both are flawed, the foundation will not be stable. One bad day could topple it all.

Know yourself. Love yourself. First. Then you will be able to know and love another.

You never, ever, need proof of love from another person. If you think you do, you may want to take a good, hard look at things. Real love is involuntary and unconditional. Think about every single one of your preferences of any kind; you really can’t pinpoint the one reason for your fascination or interest – it may always be a mix of consistent themes, traits or attributes, but there is always one unknown aspect that solidifies your ‘connection’.

There is a common definition of ‘unconditional’ that many people accept/live by/adhere to regarding those they love: they love them in spite of how they are treated by them.

That definition is INCOMPLETE.

Unconditional means ‘without condition, unqualified, unrestricted’ – as in NO EXPECTATIONS. 

Yes, it is possible to believe you love someone even if they treat you badly, however, if you expect anything from them you are not giving love unconditionally. It is possible to love someone and let them go, because real love wants what is best for them – actually, what they think is best for them. I love you and I support you in your decision to be who you are, to follow your own path, to make your own choices – even if those preferences are not my own because I want you to be happy. That is love without condition.

If you think you have the right to force someone to prove anything to you, you may want to question your own ‘love’. Why do you need to receive something from another? What are you missing on your own? Validation? You will never get that fully from another person because that is not where it comes from. Do you think of love as a means for gain?

Don’t ever let yourselves be manipulated into doing anything to ‘prove’ your love, and don't attempt to use that same form of coercion on another. No person who truly loves you will ever think to force you into anything. If you are doing the forcing, you may need to check your mirror. How are you showing love by pushing your preference on another? By attempting to take away their own choice?

We are not supposed to try and make anyone happy, either. Trying implies work, and work is not love-based motivation. When we are ‘working’ at love our motivation is based out of a fear of losing it. We could never do everything the exact way someone else would want it or expect it because we don’t walk in his or her exact shoes. We don’t know.

When we do know, it is easy because our actions and reactions are synced to theirs in shared energy and vibration. It is not 'work'; it is a natural partnership, harmonious orchestration. Two individuals bringing their best selves to each other, but for their own selves.

It starts with you.

Love isn’t work; it doesn’t need ‘proof’. It just is.

Be the love you wish to see, and you will feel it.

Love is proof that it doesn’t need proof.

*We all have different traits, different methods of expression. There is a wonderful book that helps explain differences in expressions of love, “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. This is not just great for understanding others in love relationships but in all types of relationships.