Sunday, January 22, 2017

Notes to the Single Men from a Single Woman (ABRIDGED VERSION)

(For the nicer, longer, less-snarky version click here.)

I am a single woman with a Facebook account. If you happen to see me there and decide to ignore the ‘INTRO’ line right under my picture that says, “Not here to make a love connection, thank you” and want to friend request me anyway, let's get a few things out of the way by allowing me to show you how things might go (your part is in bold):

Are you single?
Yes, but if this is your way of a greeting, my answer will be to block you.

Can we talk later?
Do you mean later today, next year, or later when you’re not too busy interviewing other candidates? Aren’t we talking now?

We should meet up.
I don’t know you.
But how will I get to know you?
Are we not communicating now?


[Sends kissy-face and heart emoticons]

You’re beautiful.
Thank you.
You’re beautiful.
You’re SO beautiful.

Do you like beards?

Can I meet your kids?
No. They will not be involved unless *I* am involved. I will not use them to allow more time to spend with other people. You can meet them like everyone else on Facebook does.

Why are my friends asking me if they should accept your friend request?
Uh … accident?

[Sends full-body bathroom selfie]

Does an age difference bother you?
Are you expecting me to buy alcohol for you?

Older women are hot.
a.)    I know.
b.)    If you don’t know what I want you to know, I’m not willing to train you.
c.)    Run along, little boy.
d.)    Tell your mother that.
e.)    All of the above, and [Block]

Will you send me a ‘special’ picture?