Friday, April 8, 2016

Turn and Face the Strange ... Changes

I find myself contemplating the lyrics of the song by the late, great Mr. Bowie as I approach another milestone, one that heralds an even bigger one for me.

Next week this blog will be three years old. Three is a number that is significant to me in so many ways; the third reality created by the combination of two … mind, body, spirit … three little words. Not coincidentally (because I don’t believe in coincidences), this was my third attempt at writing a blog. And this is the one that stuck. Three.

When I started this in 2013 (see the 3 there?), as I began to get more personal, I had started reflecting on the three years prior and all the significant moments encapsulated in that short span of time. I had been turned completely upside down by all that had happened in and around my life. Now, I look back on the last three years – with the added benefit of my firsthand account here – and find myself thinking the same thing.

Happy 3rd Anniversary, 40-something Breck Girl Blog. I am so very proud of you. All of you. The significant, the insignificant, the ridiculous. That pride extends to me, as well. I’m so very proud of you, Susie. All of you. The significant, the insignificant, the ridiculous.

This past week I reread the entire blog. I don’t normally do that after I’ve written a post (at least, not after the first 24 hours of publishing it, when I harshly scrutinize and pick each one apart in sometimes self-loathing paranoia). I put them out into the Universe, and I leave them there; sort of like a promise kept.

My reflection around this anniversary has to do with my age (in a good way). This time next year, when I celebrate the 4th anniversary of this blog, I will be celebrating the final anniversary of it. This time next year, I will be 49 and ½ - that’s six months away from no longer being a 40-something anything. I’m obviously going to need a new title. Since I believe that any change at all is a total change, the new blog I will be writing at 50-something will be written by a different person. The person writing this now is different from the one who started writing here three years ago.

This is not a bad thing at all. I’m excited about turning 50 (and already planning my party!)

Hell, I’m excited about tomorrow – I’m excited about now.

It was my realization that this coming year is the last full year of this particular blog that prompted me to reread it, all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I’m still proud of you, Susie. You stuck to it. I even found lines – no, not just lines, but whole paragraphs – that I really liked.  Even gave myself a few pats on the back for some of them. For a hyper-critical, self-abusing over thinker, that is huge. Huge.  I “turned myself to face me”, and wasn’t totally unhappy; in fact, I’m actually happy.

Yay, me.

I began to see that the little things, little decisions every single day shape us more – sometimes, even more than what we consider to be the big things. We only notice changes after big occurrences just because changes are almost immediate. Sort of like when you see someone every day and never notice that he or she is getting older until you see a picture of them that is years old; or the flip side where you don’t see someone for 10 years and get hit with the differences all at once.

Time is relative, right? “Time may change me, but I can’t trace time.”

Every moment is significant, some may just seem more obviously so. When I look back over this blog, I can see my own transformation, even as I was writing about changes prior.

I noticed that despite my “leave all expectations at the door” attitude, I did have a few recurring themes, like connectedness, collective consciousness, perspective, tolerance, time … love. All themes that recur in my daily thoughts; as I think more about something, I write more about it.

Deal with it. No one said you had to be here. :)

I have no idea what I’m going to call the new blog.

Outside of that (and my big birthday party), my focus is on now. Even as I talk about changes past and changes yet to come, it is not so much as a rehash or attempt to push ahead, but a noticeably larger awareness of changes as they occur. Now. So as I look back, I’m looking back now; as I look ahead, I’m looking ahead now. With the perspective I have now.

And even my perspective will go through “ch-ch-ch-changes”.

(3 “ch-”s).

Happy Anniversary to me. And thank you for being here with me now.

Stay tuned for the "Changes" blog quoting Yes.



N.B. For those who were hoping this was going to be about menopause, I’m sorry, you’ll just have to wait for that one. And it will come.