Saturday, January 9, 2016

Did I Win?

This was my fortune from a cookie three years ago today. Facebook reminded me of it a little while ago. Of course, my thoughts ran through any and all of my life events over the past three years. (And this is not considering the "in bed" game!)

--Now, yes, this could be a direct reference to tonight's Powerball jackpot - I mean, three years is technically "the near future" from that date, seeing as how that as far as The Universe is concerned, three years is just a drop in the bucket! I will know for sure a little later on tonight.

However, if The Universe was talking about something else, I'm back to the question I first asked when I saw that picture again: Did I win?

Immediately my thoughts went to two separate events that happened within a short time of each other. Both were life-changing chances, and both were something I'd considered at the time to be a definite 'win'.

At the time. I say that because I also lost both of them. This is not a matter of me getting something I thought I wanted and then finding out it wasn't as good as I expected; both were even more wonderful than I could have hoped for, and, for reasons outside of my own control (I hear The Universe gently mocking me here), I do not have either anymore.

This makes me question the idea of a 'win'. Is a win only momentary? Or is the win title applied when you can look back and still feel like you came out on top? A while ago, when I had what I wanted, I'd thought I'd won. Looking back now with empty hands makes me question that.

I try to find the answers by looking at events after/as a result of my alleged (I'm trying to be ... optimistic?) losses. I can't honestly say that I've fully recovered from either. The missing of both is still very prominent in my life, for many reasons.

So, I dig deeper. The fucking cheerleader in me has to find something ... anything.

I didn't get too depressed.

Stop laughing!

Let me rephrase: I didn't get SO depressed that I let it prevent me from moving forward. I did publish a book, didn't I? My first one! Yay me!

I began to see myself in a new light (after I stopped belittling myself). Progress is progress, right?

I also learned more about myself, some things I even like.

If I really learned something from my experiences, then I have gained knowledge. While that may not always seem like a win to me, any gain proves that I sure as hell didn't lose!

And I'm still here.

I'll take it.

Thank you. I needed to remind myself of that.