HOW TO HAVE BETTER SEX (and be happy)

(Now that I have your attention—because I’m not surprised you clicked on this link)

I have a challenge for you.

Ladies first? No. In a deliberately stereotypical tactic, I’ll give the men theirs first or risk losing their attention.

Ready, boys? Think you are “up” for it?

Your time is not the only time that matters. We will be more inclined to respect yours if you hold ours just as valuable. The sex will be better.

“I’ve always been like that,” “That’s just the way I am,” and “That’s the way I’ve always done it,” are cop-outs. All they show is that the world and everything else is evolving around you—without you. Change is constant. A willingness to grow as a person is important. Time waits for no man, right? And the sex will be better.

Our feminine wiles don’t trick you; you deceive yourselves by your willingness to be deceived, and by arrogance. The women who may try to use them in that way have only done so because they’ve been shown its effectiveness. Who is responsible for that?

Our sex and sexuality is not meant to be your target in any way.

Be in touch with all of your emotions. Be in touch with all of your feelings. Know yourself. Explore your feminine side, the softer feelings. The sex will be better.

Allow us our masculine side, without perceived threat of loss of control. Understand the idea of partnership. With women. Give a partnership with a woman the same respect you would give a partnership with a man. Don’t think you are in control of time, communication and sex. Allow us to be our fuller selves; we will not overpower you (we do not want to except in play), but our strengths will complement each other’s in an even balance of give and take. It is our differences that add the spice. And the sex will be better.

Acknowledge a wrongdoing or mistake. Validate your partner’s feelings. Make-up sex won’t happen if you don’t make up first. Angry sex can be healthy in certain situations, when the anger or disgruntledness doesn’t overpower the love and respect. A cold fish will never get this; all of your emotions need to be involved. And the sex will be better.

Bob Marley was right. “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.” Know your feelings before you begin a relationship with her. If you are afraid of ‘being vulnerable’ stay away until you are ready. Or be honest about how you feel. Don’t be a bigger coward who is afraid to tell someone that the situation is not right for them. Believe me, the ‘unpleasantries’ you may suffer then will be considerably less than when you can’t be honest. How would you prefer to be treated? Would you rather find out a business deal fell through when it happened, or when your deal was made with someone else? Business is a form of relationship, too. And a woman, even if she is unhappy with your choice, will in the end respect it, and you. And the sex will be better.

What we do, think, say, believe and how we dress are not—and not supposed to be—any reflection of or on you. We are not here for your validation, your audience, your control, your pleasure, or your sandwiches.

Don’t just be courteous to women. This ‘deference’ we’ve been shown has been a part of keeping us ‘in our place’. Reverence has nothing to do with it; it has always been about highlighting and perpetuating our differences and our different statuses. Hold the door open for everyone, not just the ‘ladies’. Show courtesy and respect for all. The sex will be better.

You’ve benefitted from our sexual revolution, haven’t you? Your view at the beach, at parties, and out in public is definitely better, right? A woman who’s confident in her sexuality and open in a relationship means you’ll get it more often and there may be more to it than ‘just the basics’. If you "allow" that our sexual freedom has benefitted you, why not give some of these other ideas a try? They may benefit you as well. Even in bed. Don’t be frightened. We only bite when provoked. (That may affect the sex, too.)

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Remember, my stereotyping of your gender was deliberate. If you are offended—good; you are getting a small taste of what women have dealt with for centuries, and closer to understanding that this is not a feminist uprising—this is natural evolution. The equality we—and every other group that is being or has been suppressed—seek is a matter of respect and fairness. Treat others as you would have them treat you. We are all humans in this world together as one group. We can have and celebrate our individual differences as long as we remember our basic connectedness. The universal x-ray shows us all to be the same.

Whether or not you agree with any of this, you may want to keep in mind that our ‘newer’ preferences have been directly influenced by you. Think about that.

If not,

How about you make me a sandwich? (Notice my batting eyelashes.) I will be ever so grateful.

LADIES:

Dance whenever you hear music, whenever you feel music, wherever you are.

Be ridiculous. Enjoy moments of ridiculousness. Take that smile wherever you can get it. (You may even give someone else a happy chuckle.)

If you don’t like what’s around you, change it. You change it by changing your thoughts about it. Reach for the highest thought you can think about a situation or person. When you’ve done that, reach for the next highest thought. What’s around you will not change until what’s inside of you does. Like the Bashar said, expecting your reality to change before you change is like “looking into a mirror and expecting your reflection to smile first.” That will never happen.

If you want to believe you have full control and choice over your own life, you must understand that choices are made many different ways. Some are conscious and deliberate, some are made by non-action, and some are re-action to previous experiences, good and bad. You can only be deceived as far as your willingness to be deceived goes, and that is determined by any preconceived notions you have. You can deceive yourself, too. What we believe determines what we buy into. Be aware of your beliefs.

Don’t try to control anyone. And don’t waste time and energy trying to rationalize the actions of others. Allow everyone their own perception. It’s only fair.

Validate your own feelings. Acknowledge them. Find the source of them. If the source is positive, keep it. If the main reason for a negative feeling keeps you reacting and doing the same things over and over again, let it go.

Dress for yourself. However you want. Don’t let labels get in the way. Whatever makes you feel confident is right for you. Understand your own confidence.

Appreciate your inner Beyonce. She is a prime example of celebrating feminine power. It was given to us to for us, and no one else. It is magical, and uniquely ours. Penis envy? I don’t think so. Our femininity is meant to be explored, enjoyed, and shared. But don’t ever use it as a tool. Don’t promise sex to get something in return. Popular opinion (our own included) is finally allowing us to be sexual beings—don’t set us back the years we’ve gained.

Explore the meaning of unconditional love, and use it on everyone—including yourself.

Look in the mirror and get to know and like who you see.

Change your self-talk. If you can’t find anything nice to say, ask your closest friends to speak about your thighs, belly, ass, face, whatever. And when you look into the mirror, use their words. They will be easier to believe because you heard them said by someone you care about (who’s not trying to have sex with you).

Don’t get into a relationship thinking you need to fix or heal anyone else. And don’t go into a relationship expecting to be taken care of. Walking through life thinking you are only half a person until someone else completes you invalidates God’s/the Universe’s/the Creator’s unique manifestation of YOU. You are already whole. Love yourself first, then find someone to play with, to enjoy, to reflect their special-ness.

Play with yourself. (I know what I said.) If you can have self-talk in anger and criticism, you can have it in enjoyment, too. Have a hobby. Or two. Learn to enjoy your own company. You will never be lonely that way.

Don’t change for anyone. You will resent them for liking the ‘fake you’ better, and you will be unable to keep up the façade for too long without it turning on you, and when you ultimately revert back to ‘you’ the other person will accuse you of changing. That kind of work is exhausting.

Appreciate what you have, in everything. The more you are grateful for, the more you will see how much is there.

Acknowledge a wrongdoing or mistake. Validate your partner’s feelings. Make-up sex won’t happen if you don’t make up first. Angry sex can be healthy in certain situations, when the anger or disgruntledness doesn’t overpower the love and respect. A cold fish will never get this; all of your emotions need to be involved.

Keep your friends, enjoy them. They will be the best reflection of what a real relationship is like, because true friendships last longer than most marriages. Think about that. Think about why.

Don’t accept the status quo. Don’t perpetuate it or allow it to continue by sitting back and doing nothing. Remember, if the status quo had been accepted in everything, none of us would have a job, be able to vote, or get a credit card. The comments like ‘I’ve always done that’ or ‘I’ve always been that’ and ‘that’s the way it is’ are cop-outs; don’t accept them from anyone. Anyone. It shows an unwillingness to grow, to ‘go with the flow’ of the world, life and energy that changes daily.  Remember: “Obedient women were never remembered in history.”

Stop all comparisons. Of all kinds. The only thing you need to worry about being better is you being better than you were yesterday.

You—and nobody else—are responsible for your own happiness, because happiness is a choice. No one can make that choice for you—and it is a responsibility you should never put on anyone else. Sacrifice and martyrdom are not as honorable—or as beneficial to others—as one may believe. If there is no YOU, you are no good to or for anyone around you. What’s one of the first directives on an airplane during the flight attendants’ safety speeches? The parents are to put on the oxygen mask first, before the child’s. Why is that? YOU need to be present to be able to do for others. The way to do that is to BE YOU. First. When you take care of, love and respect yourself authentically, you will be unable to treat anyone else any other way.