How to Write Anything in 10 Easy Steps

You want to be a writer, and you have all these wonderful ideas in your head!  And a super-duper, extraordinary vision just came to you out of the blue and you MUST share it with the world! You absolutely NEED to get this out of your head and on paper!  The reading public is waiting!  No worries! Writing is NOT hard, no matter what anyone tells you—just follow my ten easy steps outlined below and you, too, can be a writer!

1. Sit down with your pen and paper, at your computer, or with your typewriter. Stare for a moment at the blank page/screen.  VISUALIZE the words there.
2.  Get up to make yourself a cup of coffee. (It doesn’t have to be coffee. It can be a soda or even a beer; just put it in a coffee cup because all writers shown sitting at their desks have coffee cups on them. Make sure the cup has words on it—no pictures.)
3. Sit down again and write that first line—that amazing first line that will grab the reader’s attention and win awards for the best opening line EVER!
4. Get up to go to the bathroom (coffee goes right through you).  On the way, stop and notice the laundry that has piled up and the dishes that need to be done.  When one of your cats rubs against you, give it a little pet of acknowledgment.  Find the other cat and do the same so it doesn’t feel neglected.  Do the same for your children.
5. Sit down, then get up again to go to the bathroom.  (In all the excitement of petting cats and children, you forgot to go.)
6. Sit back down and look at the page/screen.  Type one or two words. Sit back and bask in that accomplishment.
7. Get up to refill your coffee. You don’t have time to eat right now (you are WRITING), but feel free to grab a few pieces of chocolate from the candy dish.  Chocolate makes people happy.  Happy people are productive.
8.  Sit down. Sit. STAY. And WRITE.  Ignore all the shiny distractions around you (isn’t it cute how one cat wiggles its ass while readying its position to pounce on the other one? Wow! How much are cats like women??) Take your elbows off of the desk, pull your head up and FOCUS. (Why is it called “earworm”? I understand the “ear” part; but “worm”? How does that make sense?--ROCK ME, AMADEUS!)
9. WRITE, DAMMIT! Try not to cry about the words not being right. You’ll be ok. Stop banging your head on the desk, please.
10.  Go back to Step 1.

See? Easy as pie!  

Where's my coffee?