Did I Win?

This was my fortune from a cookie three years ago today. Facebook reminded me of it a little while ago. Of course, my thoughts ran through any and all of my life events over the past three years. (And this is not considering the "in bed" game!)

--Now, yes, this could be a direct reference to tonight's Powerball jackpot - I mean, three years is technically "the near future" from that date, seeing as how that as far as The Universe is concerned, three years is just a drop in the bucket! I will know for sure a little later on tonight.

However, if The Universe was talking about something else, I'm back to the question I first asked when I saw that picture again: Did I win?

Immediately my thoughts went to two separate events that happened within a short time of each other. Both were life-changing chances, and both were something I'd considered at the time to be a definite 'win'.

At the time. I say that because I also lost both of them. This is not a matter of me getting something I thought I wanted and then finding out it wasn't as good as I expected; both were even more wonderful than I could have hoped for, and, for reasons outside of my own control (I hear The Universe gently mocking me here), I do not have either anymore.

This makes me question the idea of a 'win'. Is a win only momentary? Or is the win title applied when you can look back and still feel like you came out on top? A while ago, when I had what I wanted, I'd thought I'd won. Looking back now with empty hands makes me question that.

I try to find the answers by looking at events after/as a result of my alleged (I'm trying to be ... optimistic?) losses. I can't honestly say that I've fully recovered from either. The missing of both is still very prominent in my life, for many reasons.

So, I dig deeper. The fucking cheerleader in me has to find something ... anything.

I didn't get too depressed.

Stop laughing!

Let me rephrase: I didn't get SO depressed that I let it prevent me from moving forward. I did publish a book, didn't I? My first one! Yay me!

I began to see myself in a new light (after I stopped belittling myself). Progress is progress, right?

I also learned more about myself, some things I even like.

If I really learned something from my experiences, then I have gained knowledge. While that may not always seem like a win to me, any gain proves that I sure as hell didn't lose!

And I'm still here.

I'll take it.

Thank you. I needed to remind myself of that.

USING MUSIC - Self Love (With or Without the Mirror)

 “Louise Hay is considered to be one of the founders of the self-help movement, and she promotes a technique for self-love that she calls "Mirror Work".  Basically, it is positive self-talk, using a mirror.”

Yeah, I know, I said that already (Mirror, Mirror); however, it’s not as easy as it may sound. Corny? Maybe. Ridiculous? Only if you’re concerned with who’s watching, and if it’s just you and you get embarrassed you might have more work to do.

I’m making light of it because it is hard.  Actually, it can be quite scary, because it can bring up things you don’t want to face (like ourselves). Most of us look in the mirror only to make sure there’s no spinach in our teeth, or that we don’t have our skirts tucked into our pantyhose – basically, to make sure we are presentable (or not offensive) to others. We are not in the habit of actually facing ourselves. Many of us take great lengths to avoid it; not spending any time looking in a mirror may seem small, but it’s the most obvious and overlooked tactic of self-avoidance. Try it. Look in the mirror and see how long you can stare at yourself – not fixing, adjusting, or applying anything – and pay attention to how long it takes you to find something you are unhappy with. You will know the exact moment because that will be the moment you look away.

That’s not even the hardest part, the ‘looking’. The hardest part is talking directly – nicely. Try it. The first time I tried to tell myself, “I love you” I couldn’t even be serious about it. I tried and then immediately went into comic mode. I held the mirror at arms’ length, lowered my chin and gave myself my best come-hither stare, and my “I love you” came out more like Billy Crystal’s “You looooook mahvelous!” Then I pursed my lips and blew myself a number of loud kisses.

There was another time I tried and I ended up focusing on my eyebrows, and out loud I joked about my unibrow; from there I went to unique, unicycle, unicorn, and Unabomber. I didn’t shut up until I was attacking my eyebrows with tweezers, having completely forgotten why I picked up the mirror in the first place.

Forgot. Yeah, that’s it.

I mentioned previously that the first time I actually looked at myself in the mirror, I cried. I realized I had nothing nice to say to me, but plenty of other shit to say. And it was so easy. Why was it so hard for me to be nice to me?

Well, with mirror talk being so difficult, I came up with another idea. Using music.

(It always seems to circle back to music with me. Ah, well … it’s part of my charm. J)

I use music to affect my moods quite deliberately; that's nothing new. It was Hoobastank that gave me the idea of taking my deliberateness further with their song, The Reason.  I love that song. As far as I’m concerned it is perfect, simple lyrics sung simply, with feeling –

Yes, I have a playlist of songs that I feel are pure, in that adding anything else to them would ruin the tone. Ask me one day about Marty Balin and his song, Hearts.

Anyway, the chorus of The Reason is:

            “I found a reason for me
            to change who I used to be
            a reason to start over new-
            And the reason is you.”

I would listen to the song over and over, and feel it.

-- Now, I have had an inner mental battle going on for a number of years about relationships, what they are, the whys and the wherefores, yada, yada, yada. I resent the line from Jerry McGuire - “You complete me.” – that everyone gushes over as being so romantic, because I feel we don’t need anyone to make us complete. Romantic relationships should be about two, separate, complete individuals coming together, retaining their wholeness, under one big umbrella.

This thinking, of course, can ruin a good love song.

That is not to say that I haven’t enjoyed (i.e. cried to) a song that goes on and on about how shitty we can feel after a breakup.

But that is another discussion totally.

As I listened to The Reason (and like I would with any heartfelt song), I thought about the song being sung directly to me. First, I got the heebie-jeebies; the thought of someone changing their life for me seemed like way too much responsibility for me to handle.

And then, I heard it sung to me, from me.

(Then, I really started crying. And this happened)

I thought more about it. If we can’t find the words to be able to say something nice to ourselves when we look in the mirror, why not find a song and sing it to ourselves? Not having to come up with the words takes a lot of pressure off, and if the song already resonates with you it would mean those words are just what you need to hear.

Turn the song around. To you. From you. You don’t even need a mirror.

Or, at least, just think about it. When you’re in the car or listening to the iPod and a really nice song comes on, turn it on yourself. If it’s too hard to sing the words, hear them.  

With or without the mirror, it will help change how you feel about yourself. Even if it only makes you feel better for that one moment, it will be enough right then.

Remember, “you’re amazing, just the way you are.”

And you won’t need anyone else to tell you that. 

Mirror, Mirror – Self Love

Do you love yourself?

Before you answer, think about the question and everything it means.  Do you take care of yourself? Not just your body and health, but your spirit and heart? Do you support yourself? Celebrate victories, your birthday, or just you? Can you offer yourself encouragement when you really need it?

Let’s change the angle of the questions:  When you try self-encouragement, does it work? Do you need other people to validate your victories, your birthday … you? When you look into a mirror, are you quick to find fault with what you see? Is love only thought about when considering a family member? Does LOVE only matter when it involves a romantic interest? To feel loved, do you need to hear the words, “I love you” from an outside source?

Do any of these questions make you uncomfortable?

Here’s another question: Who or what do you take the best care of? If your answer is anyone or anything other than yourself, you may want to give the original question a little more thought.

Usually the answer to that last question is emphatically and vehemently – and quite indignantly – by parents. The children come first.  I know; I am one. This may be hard to swallow, but one doesn’t have to preclude the other. The best way to show your children how to love themselves is to show them that you love yourself.  (“Self-love vs. Parenting: It’s Not One or theOther”)

Louise Hay is considered to be one of the founders of the self-help movement, and she promotes a technique for self-love that she calls “Mirror Work.” Basically, it is positive self-talk, using a mirror. 

While it may seem laughable, this method is brilliant in its simplicity. We may feel silly talking to our reflection in a mirror, but having that reflection, that ‘person we are talking to’ involved in our conversation makes the idea of having a self-talk more like an actual conversation. Because we are looking at ourselves, it helps cement not just what we are saying, but to whom we are speaking. It’s harder to ignore something that is spoken “to your face” than it is when it’s just in your head.

It’s not easy at first. What’s funny is that when we try it for the first time, we feel silly or ridiculous without even realizing that we already do it all the time, every time we look in a mirror and pick out a flaw that we see. If we are already doing a perverted form of mirror work, why is trying to do it positively a foolish thing?

It took me a few attempts before my mind would take it seriously. I would try to say something nice to myself and immediately make a negative joke, or I wouldn’t be able to look away from ALL of my imperfections. I would get distracted by wishing I could change how things looked.  I gave up on trying to talk to myself and just tried looking at myself without saying or thinking anything (that took a few more tries). The first time I was able to manage that, I cried.

Of course, after that, I threw the mirror down and stayed away for a few weeks. I didn’t want to bring up what I’d been avoiding.

I didn’t love myself.

The fact that I cried made it embarrassing (embarrassment’s a funny thing – I was embarrassed why? Who saw me? No one!); but my reaction served to drive home how important self-love was, by the fact that its absence hurt me so much.

For me, the crying turned out to be a good thing. It released a lot of pain and resistance.

I’ve since picked up the mirror again. It’s getting easier. I’m even thinking about making a special, designated mirror for it. Maybe I’ll even write something positive on all of my mirrors.

I’m learning to love myself more, too; not just how to, but that I actually do (at least, a little more). I’m also seeing proof of its positive impact around me, in many little ways.

And that's enough for me to keep at it.

Using Music

Music is powerful.

(I’m sure I can hear many of you respond with, “DUH!”)

-- Oh, God, she's writing about music again! Hey, Life is a Rock, But the Radio Rolled Me! 

I'm just trying to get it right. I tried this same conversation back in 2013, but it never gelled. So now, here we go, once more, with feeling. 

Music is that important to me. “I often refer to music the “Universal Leveler”. It brings people together because of the emotions it evokes. Music has the ability to resonate with our emotional energies, and can both raise and lower them. We’ve all seen the many videos on YouTube set to Pharrell’s Happy. People have separate playlists for romantic dates and working out. How many times have you heard someone say, “This song gets me pumped!”? How do you feel when you hear Amazing Grace? What about We’re Not Gonna Take It? What’s it like being in a bar and hearing that song?” (Collective Consciousness, Mob Mentality, and Personal Energy") 

Certain melodies and lyrics resonate with us, stay with us, comfort us, empower us … and can change us.

We find that listening to music, hearing the melody or words that call to us, can make us feel better when we are down. (Thank you, Tears for Fears. You got me through high school. Please come back to Boston soon!) 

Negative feelings of any kind are usually made worse by self-imposed isolation. Most of us will hide our true feelings, refuse to talk about anything that is bothering, or actually lock themselves away from people (I use sleep as a method of hiding). Music is something we use when we are alone that can make us feel not so. We connect with the artist and the song can take us out of ourselves, and we no longer feel like we are the “only one going through this.”

Many of us will deliberately listen to music to feel that support. Why not take that a step further and actually USE it. Find a song or tune (or many), and listen with the intention of getting something from it?

I have playlists on my iPod devoted to certain themes ("If I Show You Mine, Will You Show Me Your ... Playlists?"). They are not just broken down by decades or common genres, but they are broken down by memories associated to certain periods of my life, memories of specific people, and every single mood you can think of. We are talking serious splitting hairs here, like Anger/Pissy, Anger/Despair, Anger/Empowered, Love/Sweet, Love/Sexy, etc. – and I give each playlist a special name, too. I don’t let people see my iPod because of how personal my playlists are. But I use all of them for something; to get me moving, to think better, to cry with, whatever. I even have a tendency to listen to one song on repeat (for days), if it is ‘hitting’ me right. Sometimes, a song will give me an idea, and I will listen to only that song until I’ve been able to fully flesh it out. 

Music is every feeling we have. I challenge anyone to deny that they haven’t heard at least one song that made them feel.

Why not be deliberate with music? I’m not just talking about making party or workout themed playlists, I’m talking about making playlists that are put together with the deliberate intention of helping you through something? Playlists that make you feel better, or just feel good?

And then just listen ... and feel.

Here, I'll start you off:

Magic Power – Triumph

It's Just Another New Year's Eve ...

“… another night like all the rest …” Thank you, Barry Manilow.

Yes, it’s the end of an old year and the beginning of another. I see too many people stressing about their plans for this evening (or “Amateur Night,” as most people in the bar business like to call it).

As the end of one period and the beginning of another, it is significant. But why? In actuality, it is no significant than any other moment, because each moment is the same ending and beginning; therefore, every moment is significant.

What sets New Year’s Eve apart from every other night is the fact that we have been conditioned to believe that this one night is more important, more of a chance of new beginnings, than any other night – and all because of a change in a number.

The day you got your new job, got married, quit smoking, and/or bought a house have more importance than a simple night of having a glass of champagne at midnight – which you can do any night.

I’m actually quite surprised there wasn’t more of a hoopla made on December 20, 2012.  I would’ve thought the eve of the world ending would be considered a little big.

Look at all of us; we stay up late to watch a ball drop at the precise moment the new day begins. Isn’t every night that important? Because there are so many people in this world going through so many bigger, individual events, the way we have set this night up to be has turned more into a night of expectation – which, for many people (outside of a good party), can turn out to seem more like a night of empty promises.  There are too many people disappointed by not celebrating the moment with a special someone and a kiss at midnight – more than any other night.

However,

Simply because it has been forever, it is a holiday. And any one of us can take it and make it something enjoyable, positive and happy.

If you buy into the adage about “whatever you’re doing at midnight New Year’s Eve will be what you will be doing the rest of the year,” – or something like that – why not go out of your way to make sure you are smiling?

No, you don’t need a reason, either; but maybe this will help you feel there is one:

Because New Year's Eve is an event, there is the same energy out and about this night as Christmas. It’s palpable. There are a great many people going out to have a good time, and their energy collects together and connects. Just go out and stand among them and feel it – but do NOT hold yourself as separate or apart, or make silly comparisons about what you feel that they have that you don’t. Concentrate on the energy, really feel it. That will lift your spirits. Unless you believe it won’t – because you will be right. I’m not being sarcastic here, I’m just aware of the fact that truth is an individual thing; your beliefs are your own truths. If you believe nothing will work, then nothing will.

Then again, if you totally felt like that, you would probably not be reading this right now.

A part of the energy around NYE in the excitement for the new year is the simple excitement for the new. This is part of the reason adults are so willing to make a big deal out of this night, because after so many years and trials and tribulations, there is very little new to experience – which isn’t true. It is, however, a very popular collective belief.

Don’t be lonely. Even if you are a single in a sea of couples, if you are there with them you are not alone. Share the night with anyone and everyone around you. Be aware of how much your own negative attitude will shut you off from so much going on, including possibilities of any kind that a closed mind will blind your eyes to.

Make this night yours. Don’t set yourself up for expectations you really don’t believe will be met. If you go out, go out knowing that you and the rest of us are all celebrating the same event together. Be wherever you are. Right there and nowhere else. Tell your inner cynic that since it’s a holiday, he or she deserves the night off.

Our bodies were made to dance all by themselves; no one else is needed. All you girls know that there is always a group of us on the dance floor, and we all make room for whoever wants to jump in.

Let go of expectations. Feel the positive energy and the sense of new. Share the smiles. Make it your night.

That’s another thing our bodies were designed to do solo – to make things happen.

If you are at home alone, spending the night all by yourself, remember that you are choosing to do so. And if you are miserable, I can guarantee that your New Year’s Eve will not meet even any of your smallest expectations.

Make the night yours. Do something you enjoy. Watch the ball drop or don’t. Have a glass of champagne or don’t. There are no rules to having fun, and there are no regulations to New Year’s Eve (except the valid one about not drinking and driving).

If you feel negatively that New Year’s Eve is just another night, understand that you are condemning every other night of yours as insignificant.

The bottom line is that how you celebrate or whether or not you celebrate it is a choice. You have more input to everything you feel than you think.

Remember, that if you don’t take control of your own happiness, other people and circumstances will. You are not supposed to be a victim; you are a creator. Celebrate that.

Have a Happy New Year.

Or not.

Again, your choice. 

(But if you feel like dancing, even alone in your kitchen, I have a great playlist for you! Stepping Out or Staying In: Music to ring in 2016)

What's Your Super Power?

Did you know they are playing episodes of Wonder Woman (with Lynda Carter) on METV? I found out yesterday and immediately set my DVR (I can’t wait for Saturday!).

The other day my best friend got a birthday card from her daughter that said, “Mom, I finally figured out your secret identity” and it had a Wonder Woman logo on it (she also got her a Wonder Woman coffee mug to match).

Today, I wore my favorite sweatshirt; it's black with the word DORK in big red letters, as in your face as Superman's "S" (yes, that’s me in the picture up there).

These three things got me thinking about super powers. (That is how my mind works.)

I’m sure that even the most realistic of you out there have at one point considered the possibility of having some kind of super power. Those of you with kids have probably had in-depth conversations on the subject.

After much deliberation and careful thought over the period of about five minutes, I realized what my own super power was:

I am ridiculous.

I won’t give examples (although the picture may be some indication). If you’ve read anything else here, you may have already come to that conclusion anyway.

Whatever you may think, as far as I’m concerned that is a super power, and I embrace it. That part of me is what allows me to have fun, to see the bright side in anything, to comfort me. It is consistent and strong. I can always count on it to be there. It provides me amusement wherever I am (and my own amusement matters more than anyone else’s).

And I don’t need anyone else for that. It comes from me, and me alone. I will never be without it. It makes me Me.

Of course, if your imagination is limited only to the stereotypical super powers found in comic books and movies:

I’m strong enough to carry a dead-weight sleeping child from a car to her bed without waking her up.

I levitate when I feel love.

I fly in my dreams.

I’m teleported to you the moment I think of you, wherever you are.

I am invisible when I put my headphones on.

I can make boo-boos go away with a simple kiss.

I am younger when I’m with my friends and older when I’m with my children.

I can let you know what I’m thinking without saying a word.

..and I am on the Internet. That makes me immortal.

I'm Now 48 (But I Will Probably Never Grow Up)

Today’s my birthday! Yay, me! I enjoy my birthdays like nobody’s business. Am I immature? Maybe. A little over the top? Probably. Ridiculous, even? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.

And I like it.

There is a small part of me that cannot believe I’m this age. 48! Almost 50! Whoa, that’s like … ancient to my 13 year old self, the one I still identify with the most.

Did we ever think we would be THIS old?

I get to thinking about maturity. It’s an annual thing I do every birthday, the day I consider to be my own personal New Year. I certainly don’t feel like what I thought a mature adult would feel like, but what I’ve realized is that whether or not I act it is not only up to me, but up to my own perception of what maturity is, right? Or even whether or not it matters?

Remember when we would tell people to “act your age, not your shoe size”? How do we know how we are supposed to act at a certain age if we’ve never been that age before? Are we supposed to measure our level of maturity by how we compare to others?

I have never been fond of comparisons, in any capacity - except for sugar substitutes … they are not better than real sugar, and they don’t taste the same, either … and margarine - butter is better … And decaf – no, thank you …

Okay, comparisons of food and food substitutes are all right, but not people comparisons. We are told that we will always find someone better or worse off than we are in looks, body types, financial status, attitudes, you-name-it. Why? Does it really matter? Looking down on someone we consider less fortunate in any way is not a substantial way to build ourselves up (it really isn’t all that compassionate, either). Looking at someone we hold in higher esteem than we hold ourselves may give us something to strive for – if our envy doesn’t get the better of us – but it also serves as indications that we consider ourselves “not good enough.”

Who is it up to that determines what maturity is? I work hard, love and support my children, try to prevent them from the consequences of Head Up Ass Syndrome (usually by direct example). I do the best that I can. And I make a conscious effort to try to do better each day.

Is that not mature of me?

But I will also be the one to attempt a cartwheel after 20 years (and laugh at the pain I felt for a week afterwards), play on swings, face a camera with my open mouth full of partially-chewed food, go out of my way to push people’s buttons at every opportunity, embarrass my children in public … and wear a tiara on my birthdays.

Is that immature of me?

Why? If I’m trying to manage my responsibilities, who is anyone else to judge how I handle my down time? I embrace my ridiculousness. It keeps me sane – well, it keeps me going, anyway. We all do what we can to get by, to stay afloat, to keep our heads out of our asses.

How many times have we heard others talk about what we miss about growing up? How many times have we expressed the desire “to be young again”? Why can’t we understand that while we may have experienced some serious hard times and mourn our ‘loss of innocence’ to world tragedies, that keeping and maintaining that innocence (and joy and enthusiasm) – outside of circumstantial occurrences – is for the most part our own choice?

What we feel, think, focus on, reflect, ponder, and are is a result of our own thoughts. We have more control and choice than we allow ourselves to believe.

We can almost look at growing older as what we deal with when playing sports as children. There will always be people pushing us to perform a certain way, while deep inside we just want to enjoy the game.

We should enjoy the game, right? Because it is like they say: no one gets out of this alive.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to push my big, fat, birthday excitement in other people’s faces. After all, I’m wearing a tiara.